Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

Don't change horses...
until they stop running.


Strike while the..
bug is close.


It's always darkest before...
Daylight Saving Time.


Never underestimate the power of...
termites.


You can lead a horse to water but...
How?


Don't bite the hand that...
Looks dirty.


No news is...
impossible


A miss is as good as a...
Mr.


You can't teach an old dog new...
Math


If you lie down with dogs, you'll...
stink in the morning.


Love all, trust...
Me.


The pen is mightier than the...
pigs..


An idle mind is...
the best way to relax.


Where there's smoke there's...
pollution.


Happy the bride who...
gets all the presents.


A penny saved is...
not much.


Two's company, three's...
the Musketeers.


Don't put off till tomorrow what...
you put on to go to bed.


Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...
You have to blow your nose.


There are none so blind as...
Stevie Wonder.


Children should be seen and not...
spanked or grounded.


If at first you don't succeed...
get new batteries..


You get out of something only what you...
See in the picture on the box


When the blind lead the blind...
get out of the way.


A bird in the hand...
is going to poop on you.


Better late than...
Pregnant

[SmokeyBob]

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

[SmokeyBob]

How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity

At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.

Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."

Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

[SmokeyBob]

Maine
Jeff Foxworthy on Maine:
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Maine.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Moosehead Lake is the coldest spot in the nation,you might live in Maine.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Maine.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in Maine .

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Maine .

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Maine.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Maine .

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Maine .

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Maine.


You know you are a true Mainer when:
1. "Vacation" means going South past Augusta for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend / wife knows how to use them.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

15. Down South to you means Augusta.

16. A brat is something you eat.

17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.

18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.

19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

22. You actually understand these jokes, and you tell them to all your Maine friends.

[SmokeyBob]

Bumper sticker seen on an Austin Mini:
The parts falling from this car are of the finest British workmanship.

In front of a church:
Remember, Detroit is not the only place that the Maker can recall his product.

Bumper sticker seen on a stealth bomber:
If you can read this, then we wasted 50 billion bucks.

Classified Ad:
Nordic Track $300
Hardly Used
Call Chubbie

On the side of a truck:
Bill's Septic Cleaning
We Haul American Made Products

On a bumper sticker:
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

In a newspaper ad for a used car dealer:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Seen on a bumper sticker:
Forget about World Peace ... Visualize using your turn signal!

Classified Ad:
Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel-
1/2 Sneaky Neighbor'S Dog

[SmokeyBob]

A new Army recruit was on the rifle range. He fired 50 shots and completely missed the target with every shot!

His Drill Instructor called him to attention and got in his face. “What’s the matter with you?â€

[SmokeyBob]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[SmokeyBob]

A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up, he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.

A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.

The motorist thanked his profusely and said, "I don't know why you are in that place."

The patient said, "I'm here for being crazy, not for being stupid."

[SmokeyBob]

The city slicker's car sputtered to a halt near a pasture filled with cattle. The driver got out to see what was the matter and noticed one cow staring at him.

"Sounds like it's your radiator," said the cow.

The startled city slicker ran to the nearby farmhouse and pounded on the front door.

"Your cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted.

The farmer pointed out to the field. "That cow with the two big black spots?" he asked.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the man replied.

"Oh, well, that's Ethel," said the farmer. "Don't pay no attention to her. She don't know nuttin' about cars!"

[SmokeyBob]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said "'Holy S***! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[SmokeyBob]

[SmokeyBob]

Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper:
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

[SmokeyBob]

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest? Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest, that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive ... And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

[SmokeyBob]

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice...

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

[SmokeyBob]

Two guys are getting ready to go on a camping trip.

The first one says, "I'm takin' along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you takin'?"

"Two rattlesnakes."