Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write, due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

[SmokeyBob]

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing.

One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."

"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you."

The other man spits something into his hand.

"You've got to keep your worms warm."

[SmokeyBob]

I was unhappy with my job, so I submitted my resignation. I was sure I'd have no trouble finding a new position, because there was a shortage of people with my skill.

I e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers, attaching a copy of my resume to each one. Weeks later, I was dismayed and bewildered that I hadn't received even one request for an interview.

Finally I received a response that explained it all: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

[SmokeyBob]

I was lost in a spiritual wilderness, with no sense of direction and no hope of ever finding my way.

Just when I thought I'd reached my lowest point, an angel came and took my hand.

So I called out, "Hey, angel! Come back with my hand!"

[SmokeyBob]

The philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him. When the class began, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He then asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with an unanimous yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the grains of sand.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things -- your family, your spouse, your health, your children -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What does the beer represent?"

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

[SmokeyBob]

My young daughter was very excited about accompanying me to "Bring Your Children To Work Day."

However, on the way home she seemed somewhat down. "Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"It was okay, but I thought it would be more like a circus."

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see any of them."

[SmokeyBob]

For an art project the first grader handed in a blank sheet of paper.

The teacher said, "What is this?"

"It's a drawing of a cow eating grass."

"Where's the grass?"

"The cow ate all of it"

"Then, where's the cow?"

"The cow left because there was no more grass."

[SmokeyBob]

When You've Had a Bad Day
It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay.

Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry.

Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.

[SmokeyBob]

I said to my wife, "Wouldn't it be great to move to Alaska or someplace and live in a log cabin without electricity, hunt moose and drive a dog team instead of a car? If we decided to do that permanently, away from civilization, what would you and the kids miss the most?"

She replied, "You."

[SmokeyBob]

Prayer for Senility

"God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do,

and the eyesight to tell the difference..."

[Jiminsav]

The #2 pencil...

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in t he #Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.

[SmokeyBob]

Now that was funny

[SmokeyBob]

The following questions were set in a GED examination
These are said to be genuine answers from 16 year olds.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, dead sheep, and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

And to think they can get a drivers license

[SmokeyBob]

A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293,' he says.

'The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOD!' The intercom falls silent.

A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. 'I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier,' he says. 'But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

'That's nothing,' a passenger in coach shouted. 'You should see the back of mine!'

[Jiminsav]

A 8 year old boy goes to his father and asks "dad whats the difference between theoretically and reality?" His father replies "well son go and ask your mom, sister, and brother if they would have sex with brad pitt for a million dollars? Then ponder on it for a week..then give me what you think the answer is."

Well the boy goes and ask's his mother the question: she says " UMmmm...yeah I think that I would for a million dollars."

He ask's his sister: "HELL YEAH I would he's HOT"

He ask's his brother: "Well.....for a million dollars? I think that I prolly would?"

A week later...

The father ask's his son "so what do you think the answer is?"

The son replies " well theoretically we are sittin on three million dollars!...BUT in reality we are living with two hookers and a gay guy!"