Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Chocolate Chip Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in Heaven. There, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table and counters, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it Heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

[SmokeyBob]

Growing Up

There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing.

"What's the matter"? she asks.

"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."

"Well, honey, that's wonderful. You're growing up, but why are you crying"?

"Because," he says. "Now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."

[SmokeyBob]

Too Slow!

A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails.

The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree.

Several hours later, he summoned the strength to go to the police and report the assault. He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers.

He replied, "I don't know what they looked like, it all happened so fast."

[bobhenry]

Sad news to report:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71 and rollin in dough.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker , the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch . The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough , Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

[SmokeyBob]

[Shanty]

Paddy and Michael had been best of friends all their life; they went everywhere together.
All except for Mass.
Many years ago, Michael had lost his faith, while Paddy's was as strong as ever. So, every Sunday, Michael would wait outside the church, whistling away to himself, while Paddy did what they did inside.
One Sunday, Paddy came out with the most magnificent shiner on his left eye that anybody had ever seen. "Paddy, me old mate, whatever happened to you?" "Well, I was sitting behind a young lass, and noticed she had her dress tucked up into her knickers, so when we knelt down I quickly reached over, and tugged it out. She turned round in a rage and thumped me good and proper"
The next Sunday, with the shiner almost healed, Paddy again went to Mass, but again came out with an even better one on the other eye.
"OK, now what happened?" says Michael
"Well, you know how I did the wrong thing last week? The fellow next to me did what I did, but knowing she didn't like that, I tucked her dress back in"

[SmokeyBob]

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A TEXAS GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Minnesota. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[planovet]

[Mightydog]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

[SmokeyBob]

Alligator Shoes

A blonde was on vacation in the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge nine-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, fires, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby are seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

As the shopkeeper stands on the bank, watching in silent amazement, the blonde struggles and flips the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Rats! This one's barefoot too!"

[len19070]

A local S.E. Pennsylvania Elementary School suspended 4 Second Graders for using there fingers as guns while playing "Cops & Robbers"

A spokesperson said the 2 playing the Cops were suspended with Pay!

Happy Trails

Len

[SmokeyBob]

Ah, to travel!

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

[SmokeyBob]

White House Tour

A woman went on a tour of the White House.

As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.

"My, what was that"? exclaimed the woman.

"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.

[planovet]

[SmokeyBob]

Backseat Driver

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm, ma'am. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

"Disregard," he said. "She got in the backseat by mistake."