Weird stuff of the day

[Chris C]

Well DANG!!!!! You fella's IS old!!!!! And all this time I though I was old! Whew, what a relief!

[Chris C]

Here's one I just got from my brother:

This equation should be taught in all math classes!
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a$$ kissing will take you.

A-$-$-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BULLS**T and A$$KISSING that will put you over the top

[Chris C]

And yet another..............from an old buddy:

South Carolina Ghost Story



This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low country of South Carolina, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.



This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm.. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.



Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel.



The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.



Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.



About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other: "Look Bubba, there’s that idiot who rode in our car when we was pushin’ it in the rain."

[gman]

Pronounced as one letter,
And written with three,
Two letters there are,
Two-only, in me.
I'm double,
I'm single,
I'm black, blue, and gray,
I'm read from both ends,
And the same either way.

What am I?

[gman]

To make up for not giving the punch line or answers soon enough, I present the:












WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

Answers:
Passing requires 4 correct answers

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange , of course.

[Gage]

To make up for not giving the punch line or answers soon enough, I present the:




WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

Answers:
Passing requires 4 correct answers

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange , of course.

[Betsey]

Pronounced as one letter,
And written with three,
Two letters there are,
Two-only, in me.
I'm double,
I'm single,
I'm black, blue, and gray,
I'm read from both ends,
And the same either way.

What am I?

Aye, in my mind's eye, I know the answer...

[Miriam C.]

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other: "Look Bubba, there’s that idiot who rode in our car when we was pushin’ it in the rain."

OK I give.

[Steve_Cox]

OK Chris, this is your fault, one bubba joke always leads to another

Rednecks in the city

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's that?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the wall light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "

[Gaston]

the Canary Islands are in the Alantic off the coast of Africa

[Chris C]

OK Chris, this is your fault, one bubba joke always leads to another

Rednecks in the city

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's that?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the wall light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "

[gman]

The judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought
you'd done enough research by now. My computer says you have
two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He then turned to the second lady and requested her to
testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I
am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my
husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young
lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of
bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his
new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

Refreshed at her honesty, the judge laughed and said, "How's
business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible judge, with all these
students and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick."

[Gaston]

got them all 20 correct (being over 60 and having not lost my mind yet helps) and being a native oregonian I have no fear of hell as I am too damp to burn also

[gman]

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - San Francisco, a leader in urban recycling, is preparing to enlist its canine population for a first in the United States: converting dog poop into energy.

Norcal Waste Systems Inc., the city's garbage company, plans to test collection carts and biodegradable bags in a city-center park popular with dog walkers.

A city study found that almost 4 percent of all the garbage picked up at San Francisco homes was from animal waste destined for the city's landfill, Norcal Waste spokesman Robert Reid said. San Francisco has an estimated 120,000 dogs.

"The city asked us to start thinking about a pilot program to recycle the dog poop in order to cut back adding more waste in landfills," Reid said.

Dog feces could be scooped into a methane digester, a device that uses bugs and microorganisms to gobble up the material and emit methane, which would be trapped and burned to power a turbine to make electricity or to heat homes.

Dogs and cats in the United States produce about 10 million tonnes of waste a year, Will Brinton, an environmental scientist and owner-director of Woods End Laboratories in Maine, said.

"As much as we love them, our pets leave a lot of manure behind them in yards and on the street and that can be a major source of contamination of groundwater," Brinton said.

European cities such as Zurich, Frankfurt, Munich and Vienna are operating biomass programs to turn waste into gas, he said.

San Francisco runs an aggressive program to recycle bottles, cans, paper and other trash and now diverts two-thirds of its garbage away from landfills.

The city's goal is a 75 percent diversion by 2010 and zero new waste in landfills by 2020.

[gman]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to
take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered,
saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right
f*****ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked
down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number
again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!"
and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole
calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from
Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for
that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his
back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole,
too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is," he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house,
and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to
my speed dial.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came
up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with
my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at
34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to
kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going
down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there
just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger Management really works..