Humor of the Day

[planovet]

[SmokeyBob]

Casino Safety

Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino.

At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.

[steve smoot]

Morning everyone, wanted to share this one. A friend e-mailed it to me...lmao

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.... Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..."

[Tumbleweed_Tex]

Now THAT was good !!!

[SmokeyBob]

Fun With Monks

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.

After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what"?

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be"?

"Yes, I'm the chip monk."

[planovet]

[SmokeyBob]

Good one

[caseydog]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... 4hfdaC7eL4

[planovet]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=W4hfdaC7eL4

That was good

[SmokeyBob]

Darn, they blocked it.

[SmokeyBob]

Annual Physical

The 82-year-old man went to the doctor for a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the guy walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor saw the guy again and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

"What I said was, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

[planovet]

[SmokeyBob]

Ninjas

Recently my children watched the "Ninja" episode of "Backyardigans" and spent the whole day being wild little Ninjas. This involved a lot of jumping, kicking and punching the air.

That night at dinner, Samantha (the eldest child) kept kicking me under the table; accidentally, but really hard. Finally, I said, "Samantha! If you kick me again, I'm just going to lose it!"

So Dad says, "Yeah, you may be a Ninja, but your mama is a Marine and Marines eat Ninjas for lunch!"

Samantha, taking this very literally, says "Daaaaadddd! How could one human being eat another human being"?!

And three-year-old Isabella chimes in, "With cheese on top!"

[SmokeyBob]

Cantaloupes

I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins.

"Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage," I observed casually. "A person has no idea what they're getting until it's too late."

"I know, I know," she replied. "I've had three cantaloupes."

[planovet]

Mahatma Gandhi wore sandals everywhere and only walked. This left his feet
with very thick skin. He was also of slight build, some would say dainty. And
one problem not widely known was his chronic bad breath.
So he was a super calloused, fragile mystic hexed with halitosis



A man asked his wife what she wanted for her upcoming birthday. She said
that whatever it was, it needed to be able to go from 0 to 200 in under 8
seconds.

So he bought her a scale.