Humor of the Day

[planovet]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an
awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic.'

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain,
'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same!'

[SmokeyBob]

Yes, He Does

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?"

And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?"

And my Mom said, "He does."

[SmokeyBob]

I Plead Guilty

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from innocent to guilty of the charges."

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started, I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all of the evidence against me."

[planovet]

[SmokeyBob]

[SmokeyBob]

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $3.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 25 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

[SmokeyBob]

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,â€

[SmokeyBob]

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight, and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great husband."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

[rbeemer]

A Pharmacist's Monday Morning

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call a number of times before he'd even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could even say more than a word, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash Register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the bloody phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, that damn phone was still ringing with no let up. I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

[SmokeyBob]

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck. "Where's Harry?" asked his friend. "He fainted a couple miles up the trail," Harry's partner answered.

"You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"

"It was a tough decision," he explained, "but I figured no one is going to steal Harry."

[SmokeyBob]

One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.

"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.

Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my third grade teacher!"

[SmokeyBob]

Upon retiring from the service, my husband, Don, needed a new ID card, showing he had gone from active duty to retirement status. But the photo taken of him was not particularly good. And he wasn't at all quiet about it.

"If I have to carry that ID around with me for the rest of my life," he complained to the photographer, "I want a better picture."

"Want a better picture?" asked the photographer defiantly.

"Then bring us a better face!"

[SmokeyBob]

It’s Big in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

As he arrived on the plane, he mentioned to the flight attendant that it had been a very comfortable flight. “Wow, these seats are big!â€

[SmokeyBob]

Helpful Tips for Idiots

* Don't throw a brick straight up.

* Don't take naps in the road.

* Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

* Don't microwave yourself.

* Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.

* When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.

* Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.

* If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

* No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

* When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

[Jim Edgerly]

I took a pile of wood and cut it up and glued it all together to make something really nice, but do they call me a MASTER CRAFTSMAN? Nope
I took my creation and bolted it to a utility trailer, added shocks and electric brakes, but do they call me a TEARDROP BUILDER? Nope
But you won't believe what they call you if they find you messing around just once with a goat...