Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Flower or Flour?

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower"?

Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it"?

[SmokeyBob]

Leaking Problem

My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about
meeting other payments.

We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for and it leaks."

[SmokeyBob]

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won..
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:



BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so
she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . .. . being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier
and live longer !

Have a nice day!

[SmokeyBob]

At a Senior's Center in Florida, a group of "Seasoned Citizens" were sitting around talking about their ailments:

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," complained another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another added.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can all still drive."

[planovet]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to
the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently,
and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the
results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of
150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an
error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the
instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through
the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

[Jiminsav]

OMG...through the muffler...that is amazing..

[SmokeyBob]

My mother taught me...

To appreciate a job well done
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside—I just finished cleaning!"

Religion
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

Time travel
"If you don't straighten up, i'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

Logic
"Because i said so, that's why."

Foresight
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

Irony
"Keep laughing and I'll 'give' you something to cry about."

Osmosis
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

Contortionism
"Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

Stamina
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

Weather
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

Physics problems
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

Hypocrisy
"If Ive told you once, I've told you a million times—don't exaggerate!!!"

The circle of life
"I brought you into this world, and i can take you out."

Behavior modification
"Stop acting like your father!"

Envy
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

[SmokeyBob]

Lots o' Energy


My son is a "high-energy" kid who never sits still and is always on the move.

I was surprised when my wife suggested that we buy him a bike for his birthday.

"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" I asked.

"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."

[SmokeyBob]

Stress Relief:

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world".

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then plop!...back under they go...

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now . . . feeling better?

[SmokeyBob]

A Fitting Punishment

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him.

He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it—who can he tell?"

[SmokeyBob]

After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church.

He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was transferring from.

The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."

[SmokeyBob]

Jamie asked his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?"

"No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone.

The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation."

He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said.

The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation."

"Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time.

"Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"

[SmokeyBob]

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"

"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

[planovet]

[SmokeyBob]

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need, but he knew the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Murphy," he asked. "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Murphy.

So, the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had two rolls of wallpaper left over.

"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got two left over."

"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I!"