Humor of the Day

[Ma3tt]

I left my wife today.........




it was just to go to work but i feel good about it.

[Cary Winch]

"Having a little fun at lunchtime at Camp-Inn. Playing with the jacob's ladder I built."

Well, that was until the pickle juice ran down it and shorted it out. Dang-it! We can rebuild it, we have the technology.

Cary

[Chip]

Cary,,, add the lighted pickle to your list of accesories,, but its just a suggestion ya put a huge disclaimer on it,,, caution glowing pickle may cause ya to soil ya bloomers,,



chipper

[Ira]

(I hope no one already posted this, and there are too many pages here to check.)

A guy gets home, walks into the bedroom, he has a sheep under his arm, and his wife is laying on the bed.

He says, "This is the pig I've been screwing."

The wife says, "You idiot! That's not a pig--that's a SHEEP!"

He says, "SHUT UP! I was talking to the sheep."

[Rob]

PENDING MARRIAGE
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over
a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one little thing bothering me. It was her
beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One
day "little" sister called and asked me to come over
to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when
I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties
and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there
for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged
me and said, we are very happy that you have passed
our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man
for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car........

[Tim Greiner]

Destin Dave:

I know this has been bothering you. Go to 3/7 if the link takes you to another day. http://www.uclick.com/client/wpc/cl/

Tim Greiner

[DestinDave]

One of life's greatest mysteries finally solved... Thank You for the post. Now I can move on to other things...

Dave

[bledsoe3]

DestinDave wrote: I am not a 14 year-old girl... But I play one on the Internet.

Dave you're scaring me.

[Steve_Cox]

DestinDave wrote: I am not a 14 year-old girl... But I play one on the Internet.

Dave you're scaring me.

If this is bothering anyone, maybe they need to change their internet habits

[mikeschn]

I thought only police posed as little girls to set up sting operations...

[DestinDave]

SHHHH! I'm under cover...

I saw this on a bumper sticker the other day and thought it was funny.

Actually I didn't realize people paid that much attention to signatures... It took 6 months for someone to mention the Hokey Pokey...

[madjack]

I thought only police posed as little girls to set up sting operations...

...the police and their vic....errrr and those they are looking for...careful DD....................................

[DestinDave]

Oh, yeah... never thought of that... maybe not so funny after all... I'll change it... to something less freedom-threatening...

[48Rob]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God and I didn't.


... I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

... Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

... Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

... Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

... I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

... God must love stupid people -- he made so many of them.

... Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

... Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

... Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

... A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

... A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

...They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

...A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.

...Ham and eggs is a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime for a pig.

[48Rob]

No Nursing Home for Me


About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises".! She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.


Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

ps: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge.