Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, Judy received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt, because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."

"You have to do it every year," she was told.

"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

[planovet]

[planovet]

[SmokeyBob]

A nurse walks into a bank.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing beat, says, "Well, that's great. That's really great. Someone's got my pen."

[SmokeyBob]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, nag, nag. It just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. It killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd when a woman mourner would approach the old farmer. He would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men"? the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[SmokeyBob]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex! My Rolex!”.

[jstrubberg]

I failed the mandatory Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Damn big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

[SmokeyBob]

You Know You're a Mom When...

- You automatically double knot everything you tie.

- You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

- You hear a baby cry in the grocery store and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

- You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

- You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

- You get so into crafts that you contemplate writing a book called "101 Fun Crafts To Do With Dryer Lint and Eggshells."

- You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head"?

- You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak.

[SmokeyBob]

Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there"?

"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"

[SmokeyBob]

Nagging Wife

A man and his ever nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150"?

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[planovet]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[SmokeyBob]

Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters four feet tall: YELD.

Close, but not close enough. The next week, I drove through the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read: YEILD.

About two months later, they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.

[starleen2]

[SmokeyBob]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this"? he asked.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service? The 8:30 or the 10:45"?

[SmokeyBob]

One evening, an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.