Am I overreacting???

[Redgloves]

Karen,

I recall your posts last year when your son was leaving for basic training was a very hard experience for your family. Now he returns a year later to marry a young gal.

We all handle difficult situations differently and with varying degrees of emotional reactions. Your son is an adult, responsible for his decision. Same for the new bride.
Your job as parent is complete in theory. Time to adjust thinking pattern from child/parent to adult/adult, which is a never ending process. Review past experiences as your son progressed from child to adult and your emotions, actions, and conversations. How have you reacted? Are you a person who wears emotions on a sleeve, verbal "over" reacting?

Did you son want to avoid family discussions on attempting to talk him out from marriage? Our kids know how to manipulate parents.

Also, realize that you are not the only one experiencing shock, there is another set of parents also. Are you able to hold yourself together enough to approach the gals family for a "meet and greet". Maybe they have answers/thoughts.

The new couple are also experiencing a roller coaster of emotions. Joy with marriage and sadness with leaving.

This forum is your extended family. We all have varieties of experiences. Some will say you are over reacting.
When my mother announced she was remarrying, I was totally shock, didn't even know she was dating. Took me a week to deal with the shock. Made a few phone calls to inquire about the beau's character. In the long run, the new "Dad" is a great addition.

So in the long run, you will survive. Pull up the big girl panties and deal with it.

Jean

[PKCSPT]

I appreciate all the replies. He made his choice, and then left for Califonia first thing this morning and we couldn't even talk about it, but she is still here in minnesota. I have invited her to join us for what is becoming a weekend get together with our other kids and their families. Sounds like she has to work though. I just wish she had taken a year after graduation before hooking up. I did similar only I was younger (short story teenage pregnancy) so I know what it is to go from mom and dads to husband no in between be your own person make your own decision where you do not have to consult parents or spouse. Being he has been stationed in California highly unlikely she is pregnant.
I actually am glad they eloped, I have offered our other two $500 to elope but nooooo. One married and one to be married.
And yes he knew what we would say, how we would feel. But we have always been there for his older brother and sister through decisions we do not agree with and have been through a few with him. It has never before caused anyone to be sneaky and that I realize was the bottom line when the shock wore off. His brother was as hurt and shocked as us and maybe even angrier that he didnt say anything.

Oh well, thank you to everyone for listening. A little understanding and a little tough luck suck it up, I needed some of all of it. I guess that is why I asked here. I feel bad for her, its going to be rough.

[CliffinGA]

Karen we're your teardrop family and here for ya when you need us!

Cliff

[Oldragbaggers]

So I just re read OP's last post. YOu dont know all the factors in your sons decision, you cant pretend to think you know better than him at this point. Saying "however they come into your life" shows you are bitter, Not a good was to start a relationship.

REMEMBER This is a time to be happy not upset.

And Yea again I know Im comming off as harsh, I think you need it.

Augie, you are a bit confused. I am not the original poster. I was just another parent trying to be understanding of their feelings and urging you (even though, if you re-read my whole post I agreed with most of what you said) to temper your response. They asked if they were over-reacting. I think the general consensus of the responses are in agreement that they should respect their son's choice and welcome their daughter-in-law so that their family can be whole. I also am of that opinion. But even when we feel the need to say things that cut, we can use a scalpel rather than a hatchet.

[Augie]

I am not the original poster.

I was mistaken, I apologize

A tempered response wasn't asked for, and honest one was. We as a nation are too PC IMHO. Im rather yourng to be this cantankerous but I am already!

I
But even when we feel the need to say things that cut, we can use a scalpel rather than a hatchet.

Sorry to drag off topic but why would I not express my opinion in as forceful a terms as I feel. ?
As a side note: I expect the people I associate with to call me out when Im wrong. It is the only way I/we learn. Make mistakes, look at them and learn. And the OP was requesting the criticism by posting.

I still think the OP is upset because she isn't the most important woman in her sons life any more.....

[jstrubberg]

I think it's damned inconsiderate of your son, bordering on intentionally painful. There are no circumstances that would excuse this. You should be upset.

Unfortunately, here you are. Your son has made his decision and the fact that he hid it from you shows that he doesn't care what you think on the matter. Young marriages don't typically do well...and I say that having been married at the age of 19 and coming up on my 25th wedding anniversary.

You can't be mad at her. Heck, you don't even know her! I would be mad enough to chew nails and spit washers at your son, though.

[Roly Nelson]

Yes, I believe you are over reacting, and we all know that our kids don't always behave as we would like them to. I Married my sweet high school sweetheart, right out of high school. Spent 2 years in the Army with her at my side, lived off post and our wonderful married life lasted over 56 years before she passed on. I tried to convince my kids to choose their mates carefully, and in the event that they have habits or traits that are objectionable, be aware that they wouldn't be able to change them. I was told that our young marriage would never work, but time proved them wrong. Please handle this situation with love and understanding, it is the only way, right now. Embrace that new young woman into her new extended family and who knows, perhaps all will be alright someday.
Roly, the 20 year old that took his 18 year old wife down Route 66 all the way to Calif. Hey, it worked out just fine for us in 1952.

[eaglesdare]

I think it's damned inconsiderate of your son, bordering on intentionally painful. There are no circumstances that would excuse this. You should be upset.

Unfortunately, here you are. Your son has made his decision and the fact that he hid it from you shows that he doesn't care what you think on the matter. Young marriages don't typically do well...and I say that having been married at the age of 19 and coming up on my 25th wedding anniversary.

You can't be mad at her. Heck, you don't even know her! I would be mad enough to chew nails and spit washers at your son, though.

as a mom and grandma, i agree with this post.

if my son, did this i would be furious (from the mom's view). i would be hurt as all get out.
now seeing that the deed is already done, i would have liked the opportunity to at least discuss how this made me feel with him, and be there to support him, no matter what.

now as a personnel person in the navy, i can tell you that i have seen my share of marriages come and go. these young spouses just don't know what on earth they are getting into. i married my military husband, after i retired from the navy. and i remember saying thank god i was in the service and knew what to expect or i probably would have divorced him. those long seperation periods, and the military life is really hard on young married couples, especially more so on those that had a very short pre marriage knowing of each other.

good luck to them, and i hope you can work thru this.

[jeff0520]

I completely understand why you are upset about not being told. On that point, you are not overreacting. I'd advise you to forgive and move on though. Nothing to be gained by fussing about it now.
As far as "too young" and the other things you are worried about, my wife and I got married when we were 17 and 19 years old. We'll be celebratring our 25th wedding anniversary in December. Historically, people used to marry a lot younger than we do now. You never know how it's going to turn out. If they are both committed to the relationship, and forgiving of each other's mistakes, they may be together a very long time. I hope your son and his new bride are as happy for as long as Laurie and I have been

[Oldragbaggers]

I completely understand why you are upset about not being told. On that point, you are not overreacting. I'd advise you to forgive and move on though. Nothing to be gained by fussing about it now.
As far as "too young" and the other things you are worried about, my wife and I got married when we were 17 and 19 years old. We'll be celebratring our 25th wedding anniversary in December. Historically, people used to marry a lot younger than we do now. You never know how it's going to turn out. If they are both committed to the relationship, and forgiving of each other's mistakes, they may be together a very long time. I hope your son and his new bride are as happy for as long as Laurie and I have been

Agreed!! (And by the way, it is clear from your lovely avatar just how happy the two of you are!!)

My oldest brother and his wife married when he was just 16 years old. She was pregnant AND she is 7 years older than him. (Save the comments about the illegality. My brother, at 16, was 6'3" had a full moustache and looked like he was 21. Chances are she didn't even know his real age.) On top of the age difference, his youth and her condition, they also had not known each other very long. All judgement aside, my brother was committed to marrying her, and although no one opposed them openly I don't think anyone believed it was going to last. They had every single disadvantage working against them. Well, 38 years later, they are still married and happy, have two grown children and 5 grandchildren. They are the model of a stable marriage and I couldn't be more happy that all the nay-sayers were wrong,

It is impossible for anyone to really know or understand what the depth of the love and commitment is that exists between two people, no matter how well you think you know the people or how good a judge you think you are of the situation. I think on that point you really have to respect your son's choice and make every effort to learn to love your daughter-in-law. God willing she is going to be a part of your life for a very long time. Loving our children means wanting what's best for them, and maybe she IS what's best for him if she is devoted to him and makes him happy. I don't think there is any doubt that you don't really know everything that goes on in your son's life.

But what I do completely understand, and the part I can be truly empathetic about, is the hurt and anger related to the secrecy. Some people have brought up the point that maybe he kept it a secret because he knew his parents didn't approve, knew they would try to talk him out of it and wanted to avoid the conflict. Of course that's why he didn't tell them!! But putting conflict avoidance over respect and responsibility to the people who made you, raised you, and love you above all others, especially on such an important matter, seems a bit immature to me. Sure, telling his parents something he already knew they didn't want to hear and probably wouldn't approve of is hard, but grown-up life is full of hard stuff, pull your combat-boot straps up and handle it like a man. You say "he's a man and has the right to make his own decisions." Sure he does.... So make them, claim them and defend them. That's what grown-ups do.

I can understand when things happen spontaneously and there is no opportunity to have that discussion beforehand. But here's a man who participated in a family ritual event with his parents that same evening, sitting there watching Sanford like nothing unusual is going on, all the while holding this secret. What's up with that? On the one hand his actions of that evening would suggest he is enjoying a close loving relationship with his parents, but the reveal that came later would cause most parents to question whether they really are as close to their child as they thought, and that hurts. He really should have given his parents the benefit of sharing his plans with them and asking for their blessing. If they refused to give it, that's on them and then no one would have blamed him for excluding them in the future. But he didn't even give them the opportunity to wish him and his new bride well and possibly surprise him by giving that blessing, despite their misgivings, just because they love and trust him.


Just saying.....

[jeff0520]

Agreed!! (And by the way, it is clear from your lovely avatar just how happy the two of you are!!)

Thank you very much.

Yup. We still like each other and everything
It's proof of her undying patience, assisted by the fact that my job has me traveling all week. She only has to put up with me on the weekends