Humor of the Day

[planovet]

[planovet]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS?!?!?!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take
you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after
he has given up drinking and golf."

[pete42]

Cat doctor should like this:

A lady took her limp duck into a vet's office and wanted to know if the duck was dead.
the vet laid the duck on the table and listened for a heart beat and told the lady "your ducks dead"
the lady said "how do you know you didn't even do anything it may just be in a coma"
the vet left the room and returned with a Labrador retriver the dog placed his paws on the table sniffed the duck from end to end
looked at the vet and shook he's head the vet took the dog out and returned with a fluffy cat the cat sniffed the duck from end to end
looked at the vet shook it's head and walked out of the room.
the vet said lady your duck cuddles is unmistakenly dead, he then went to his computer and returned with a bill for the lady.
"$150" the lady said "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
the vet said "it would have only cost $20 if you had taken my word for it, but due to the LAB test and the CAT scan it's now $150".

pete

[SmokeyBob]

Good one

[SmokeyBob]

What are the three rings in marriage?

Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring
Suffering

[SmokeyBob]

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts they recently heard about in the newspaper.

"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to retire six overaged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear your mother will be out of work."

[SmokeyBob]

A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower on his lapel, smelling slightly of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So, tell me, do I come here often?"

[SmokeyBob]

Lumber Thief

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. For years, I've been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where I work."

"How much did you take?"

"Enough to build my own house and my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious. I'll have to think of a far-reaching penance for you. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't. But if you have the blueprints, I can get the lumber."

[SmokeyBob]

Did you hear about the two guys who decided to try duck hunting? They bought new outfits and equipment and went out to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was really good.

But after several hours of thrashing through the woods, one fellow said, "I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck. Do you think we're doing something wrong?"

"I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."

[planovet]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading..

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[SmokeyBob]

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room watching a drama about a man who lost consciousness and went into a coma.

He says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."

So, his wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

[Prem]

WOW! Spontaneous Nostril Combustion:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sK6tkcxAHIw&feature=related

[SmokeyBob]

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.

She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio. So, up the blonde went.

She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly.

She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly.

At 3,000 feet, the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The instructor jumped into his Jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

"What happened"? the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then"?

"Well," began the blonde. "I got cold, so I turned off the ceiling fan."

[SmokeyBob]

The city slicker's car sputtered to a halt near a pasture filled with cattle. The driver got out to see what was the matter and noticed one cow staring at him.

"Sounds like it's your radiator," said the cow.

The startled city slicker ran to the nearby farmhouse and pounded on the front door.

"Your cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted.

The farmer pointed out to the field. "That cow with the two big black spots?" he asked.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the man replied.

"Oh, well, that's Ethel," said the farmer. "Don't pay no attention to her. She don't know nuttin' about cars!"

[planovet]