Humor of the Day

[PaulC]

tahts cevelr
Cheers
Paul

[PaulC]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant
Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you
seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major replied, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit
taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took
his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax"
him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned
against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much
since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

YOU GOTTA LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME !!!!

[Rob]

Paul--

[Aussiedrops]

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out
with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,"I want to hang out with
God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God
recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented
the Harley, eh?"

Arthur said, "ya, that's me..."

God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"

Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the
inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur,you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and awaited
the printout, then said;.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, but according to these
numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[kirtsjc]

I don't write them, just forward them. This was on day time TV.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Was Charlie the guy with the glasses and hat that had the upturned front brim?

[Boodro]

A pirate walked into the bar , the bartender said " hey , whats with the steering wheel on your zipper for ?" The pirate said" AAARRRR it's drivin me nuts!" .

[Rob]

Kirts, I think that was him. Didn't he also play the "Little Ol' Winemaker" too?

[Chris C]

Yup, John, that was ol Charlie Weaver. Man was he ever a Hoot! He was as quick as lightning with his responses. I saw him once doing an interview when he was in Oklahoma City. He was the most quick-witted comedian I'd ever heard.

[cracker39]

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping
business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord,
insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
more people gather to watch them at work When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a
demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of
broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, alice gasps, "No the Bungee cord was fine...It was the crowd. What the hell is a Piñata?!"

[mikeschn]

BAD DAY AT WORK

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This
is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy...

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM
dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience
contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not
so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to
the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial
water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the
sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped
to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with
no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with
warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from
my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my
dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the
fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my
butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

[toypusher]

Mike,

I am proud to say that "I AM NOT IN A COMA"!!


Definitely: ROTF, LMAO!

[WOLFPUPPY]

Things one has learned living in Georgia

1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. Squirrels will eat anything.

5. Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.

6. Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.

7. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

8. Onced and twiced are words.

9. It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

10. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

11. People actually grow and eat okra.

12. Fixinto is one word.

13. There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there is supper.

14. Ice tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

15. Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

16. Jeet yit? is actually a phrase meaning "Have you eaten yet?"

17. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you' re done or it's too dark to see.

18. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You know you're from Georgia if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store "

4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

5. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

6. You know what a "DAWG" is.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car.

9. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

10. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

11. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

12. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm".

13. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer,still Summer and Christmas.

14. You know whether another Georgian is from Atlanta, north or south Georgia as soon as they open their mouth.

15. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as"goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World".

16. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.

17. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.Example: "What kinda coke you want?"e

18. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

19. We don't need no stinking driver's ed....if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

[halfdome, Danny]

Hellmann's Mayonnaise -

Most people don't know that back in 1912,
Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the
Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery
in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the
great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment delivered to
Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.
The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were
eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish
was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as "Sinko de Mayo".
WHAT!!!! You expected something educational from me?

[Nytewyng]

Worstishire sauce was originally known as "black sauce". One day in a diner down south off route 1 an elderly black man tried the unlabeled bottle on his burger and liked it alot. He looked at the botltlw with no label and said to the waitress "whats this here sauce"?

[MeelisV]

Peace