Weird stuff of the day

[halfdome, Danny]

Oxymorons....

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas oxymoron: What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree .

[gman]

Subject: Blonde logic



Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[Gage]

Why are we there?

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?

Many of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still there?

Their government was unstable, and they had loopy leadership. Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, that we are supposed to bail them out from. Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand. Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans. Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?

It is becoming very clear ... SOONER OR LATER WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA


Have a good day.

[Jiminsav]

I've always said there should be a line at the california border that says "ENTER AT OWN RISK"

[Jiminsav]

what goes.
Vroom...screech
Vrooom...screech
vbroooom...screech



a blond at a blinking red light.

[cracker39]

On Wednesday (April 5th), at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be:

01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again.

You may now return to your (normal?) life.

[Elumia]

Since I don't use Military time, I can wait til 1PM

[gman]

While I was watching the NFL playoff games one weekend, my wife and I
got
into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to
exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids
from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.


Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

[gman]

These are some of the things I think about when I'm home alone and the TV is
broken.
Why is an orange the only fruit named after its colour? Or was the colour
named after the fruit?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Do they have reserved parking for regular people at the Special Olympics?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Is a computer virus covered by Medicare?

How do you know when a Smurf suffocates?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Where do swear words come from?

Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

How does skating on thin ice get you into hot water?

Why do they have signs at Burger King that say, "Picture menus available for
those who need them"? If you can't read, how can you ask for a picture menu?

If a case of the clap spreads is it called applause?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?

Why is it called "after dark", when it is really after light?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUp?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Why do they report power outages on TV? I mean, duh!

If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving
Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?

If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep
with?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If it's sent by road it's called a shipment, if sent by sea it's cargo?

[Nytewyng]

If you put instant coffee in a Micrco wave ............does time reverse

Why cant you buy a decafinated coffee table?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I tried walking into a Target......but I missed

I haven't slept for ten days,............. because that would be too long.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too...I tried to taste it, but it did not work.