Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

RETIREE HEALTH MESSAGE

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!
1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????

[SmokeyBob]

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on the man’s shins.

He asked, “Do you play hockey, rugby, or any physical sport?”

“No. I just play bridge with my wife.”

[planovet]

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring.
"Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man, seeing this, said, "We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good,
so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.” he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There’s no money in that account.”
"I know,” said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!!

[Kathy53]

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/dr ... 08352.html

Oh! snap. This is funny.




(I thought oh snap was kind of odd thing to say, but my daughter says it is a popular saying now.)

[Kathy53]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again
and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
" Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
"We just love to eat the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

[Kathy53]

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble
to
send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for
making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Oh yes, lucky too;
but I
am still waiting to win the lottery.
>
> Because of your concern... I no longer can drink Coca Cola
because
it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since
the
people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under
God" on
their cans. I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get
sick
from the rat feces and urine. Forget Vodka because if it can cure
smelly
feet, I don't know if I want to be drinking it.
>
> I no longer ! use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use
cancer-causing

deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no
longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they
are actually Al Qaeda bombs in disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support
our American troops. I no longer answer the phone because someone will
ask
me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from
hell

with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer
eat
pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me into
a
bisexual.
>
> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer date the opposite
sex
because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a
bathtub

full of ice. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once
I
receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive
cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer
worry
about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St.
Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers
if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes. (Jeeze, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)
>
> I no longer hav! e any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
who
is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer
have
any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that
Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special
e-mail
program. Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out
for
me! I will now return the favor.
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the
next
60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00
pm

this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your
armpits.
>
> I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend
of
a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of
my
next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd
husban! d's ex-wife's mother's beautician.
>

[KevinC]

I think I have gotten all of those emails at some point.

[SmokeyBob]

Jim was just falling off to sleep when his wife nudged him and said the telephone was ringing.

"At this hour, it's probably for you," she said, closing her eyes.

Jim rolled out of bed and trundled downstairs. When he returned, his wife was asleep.

He woke her and said, "Wasn't for me, after all."

She crawled out of bed and pulled on a robe and was halfway to the door when he added, "It was a wrong number."

[planovet]

A German tourist arrives at a French airport's visa check.
Immigration officer asks him: -Occupation?
The German: "No, no, just visiting!"

[rowerwet]

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/02 ... they-ever/
some of us love him, some of us hate him, you can't deny the pictures are funny though!

[planovet]

[rowerwet]

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=357 ... =2&theater
I love this! "me or the boat" HA!

[SmokeyBob]

A guy gets up really early in the morning to go ice fishing.

He goes out onto the ice with his tent, his pick and his fishing rod, and starts to pick at the ice.
Then he hears a big booming voice: "THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"

The guy looks around and then starts to pick at the ice again.

Then he hears the voice again: "THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
Now the guy is getting a little edgy. He looks up, "God, is that you?"

There is no answer, so he starts picking again. "THERE'S NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!"
Then the guy yells "God! is that you?"

"NO, IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!!"

[bobhenry]

THE TINY CABIN

A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the soc ial worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Government workers are so very smart. Aren't you overjoyed that they'll soon be handling all our financial, educational and medical dilemmas?

[rowerwet]

CALIFORNIA: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 for testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds to implement a “coyote awareness” program for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files suit against the State.

TEXAS: The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out, bites the Governor’s leather boot, and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The buzzards eat the dead coyote.