Codependent Kids

[Forrest747]

Too much time on my hands....

The kids have made friends with the neighbors down the street and the other night the twins slept over. Youngest twin asked why we never hug and tuck them into bed. i guess the boy at this house needs to be tucked in bed by mom every night. he is eleven. he also only wants to wear the same cammo outfit and has a baby blanket he sleeps with. i find this odd and from my foster parent days seems very codependent on his mom. it has also been seen by me that the daughter in this family has a panic attack, when told to go play outside, and has the need to ask mom and dad if she can go play or go downstairs. i find this odd and wondering if i should let my kids play in that environment. i am leaning toward no. your thoughts.

[starleen2]

yep - way too much time. . . you are the one who can make decisions about your own children, rather than impose your values on others. Perhaps that's what 'works" for that particular family - but in the end your the one making the choices about your children and who they should play with I wonder what they would say about your family? I'm being objective, not tring to push buttons, but every family is different.

From pastoral experience and time as foster parents, I come to believe that everyone and every family has some kind of system that "works" for them and helps them cope with life's situation. What they "expect" from and eleven year old may be different that what you may expect. Heck - i can look at other kids and say,"thank goodness those aren't my kids!" - while they probably look at me and say, "thank goodness, she ain't my daughter!" - who's right? it's a value judgement.

In the end - it's YOUR children. i do the best that I can with mine. I hope no one thinks I'm one of those super religious families who must say grace before mealtimes just because we do. again - it's a value judgement Remember, you asked

[Forrest747]

Grace at dinner is the norm here. i agree its all objective , however in all the kids i have seen i have never seen a 9 year have a panic attack over going playing. i also recall my mom stopped tucking me in around 4. at 11 i just wanted to be left alone so i could watch tv in my room. my kids also 5 or 6 Lisa stopped tucking in. Also it has been the norm for us just let me know where your going to be. dont ask me if you can play in your own yard. and sure not having a fit to go play.

[steve smoot]

I am happy my kids are now 32, 38 & 43....it's their turn worry....

[Shadow Catcher]

Ours are all grown as well, but doing baths as long as it was needed, reading bed time story were my responsibility, a way for me to connect. They had an hour before their bed time when they were to do something quiet, no TV etc. This eventually became the time they all read, and they are all readers today. The final ritual was that I would give them what evolved into a hug, pat, kiss, rub, squeeze. This in part came from my growing up experience as I do not ever remember being hugged or told I was loved. This does not mean it never happened but I do not remember it.
Ritual is very important for kids, to know they are loved and feel secure in that.

[parnold]

I wouldn't worry about your neighbor's environment affecting your children. Answer the questions as honestly as you can without "judging" the other family if they come up. Rest assured that the right things you are doing will far outweigh the negative things your children will see elsewhere.

btw.. I sang to my two sons every night before bed until they 6 and 4 (they shared a room). And didn't allow TV's in their bedrooms until they were teens.

[len19070]

I was in charge of "tucking in" and "Bed time stories" with my daughter till she was about 5-6 yrs.

My son up to the same age was such a ball of energy (that I was in charge of calming down after dinner) that he usually passed out at bed time and had to be carried off to bed.

I did have a problem with a neighbor and his kids once.

He/they didn't believe in Christmas and they ruined the Santa Clause thing for my son way to early. And he, though I don't really know probably wrecked it for somebody else.

Bad news travels quicker than good.

Happy Trails

Len

[caseydog]

My very first thought is that I hope that family doesn't find out about this thread.

It's one thing to talk about the neighbor's kids in private with a couple of friends, but to post in on a forum with 10,000 members is something else.

I hope there isn't a big, fat lawsuit in your future. I hope there isn't a big, fat lawsuit in Mikes future.


CD

[packerz4]

I tuck all my rent-a-kids in when I have them... 2, 4, 11 year olds.

I probably do it more for me. I like to kiss them good night and to let them know I appreciate them and enjoyed the day with them. Even if we had a situation where I had to discipline them it ends the day with a positive note.

My 11 year old knows she can go outside etc, but she still says something like: "aunt tam, i'm gonna go outside for a bit ok?" it's just her way of letting me know where she's going.

I love when she holds my hand, or when any of them are snuggly and cuddly. I know way too soon they will figure out I am not that cool. Till then I'm riding the wave!

Cheers!
tam

p.s. I had my favorite pillow and blanket even in college.

[Forrest747]

not too worried about lawsuit. i haven't included any names or locations.

[robfisher]

After raising 7 kids one thing I know is that each one is different, needing different rituals, rules and demonstrations of love. What worked for one didn't for another.

One child wanted me to sing her the same song every night, the one that goes, "Hush little baby don't say a word. Daddy's going to buy you a mockingbird." After about 300 times I decided to start changing the words. She loved that game for another 400 times. We came up with somme fabulously funny rhymes, none of which I will say here for fear of being accused of abuse.

I'm happy to say all of our kids seem pretty normal, have no fear of new ideas, new worlds and new experiences.

[mikeschn]

. I hope there isn't a big, fat lawsuit in Mikes future.


CD

Disclaimer

"The T&TTT Forum is a meeting place of like minded individuals that enjoy the sharing of many ideas and experiences. The T&TTT Forum isn't legally responsible for thoughts shared here. It is a web site that facilitates communications between individuals only. We are all individuals here on the forum, trying to do our best to share and help people get information that is based on experience and opinions only. It should be understood by all people that read and use the information collected here, that persons quoted are giving their opinion, only. As well, the thread information in no way reflects this forum's legal opinion or advice. Vendors, companies or products, recommended by someone on this forum is based on their opinion, only, and again in no way reflects this forum's legal opinion or advice. Thank you for your understanding of this simple disclaimer and enjoy the T&TTT forum."

[rebapuck]

If your children are of the average variety, I wouldn't worry about them. Your kids may have a very positive affect on the neighbors, so I would continue to let them around. Kids learn about the "big picture" by being exposed to different people, ways, habits, religions.......

[Forrest747]

talking to siblings about this, they never seen it either. my sister said as long as the kids dont get hurt let them play. she also said fair or not kids sort this stuff out. i like the advice of they may learn something from my kids.

i was wrong. other things going on with me affecting me.

[tearhead]

Licensed psychologist hat on here. These behaviors (the tucking, the blankie still at 11) IMO fall within the range of normal behavior. I would definitely not call it "codependent." This term is generally used in the sense of an alcohol or drug addiction where the spouse of the addicted person is overly helpful. The "co" is kind of like hitching a ride on substance dependency, taking one outside ones range of typical behavior. The codependent partner excuses, shoulders excessive responsibility for the addicted person, etc. However, the term seems to have slipped into the general parlance over time, and seems to be used by the general public to mean simply dependent, mutually dependent, or even symbiotic. I'm not sure in which context you were using it.

Different cultures have different customs. A family is a culture. I'd say if he was 15 it could be abnormal, but not at 11. I'd like to point out, too, that we don't know the history here. There may be something like Asperger's disorder (an autism spectrum disorder in which it would be quite common to have a preferred outfit), or perhaps childhood depression or an anxiety disorder (since the sister is anxious and there is a hereditary aspect to anxiety disorders this seems possible also). I personally am cautious about labeling. It might be good to be careful about assuming the parents are fostering dependency or are abnormal. Maybe yes, maybe no. He's only 11, pretty young and still in need of lots of affection and support and love. The only way the child could be technically considered "codependent" is if the parent has an addiction and the child is calling in to work or otherwise covering for the parent.

At the risk of meddling here, this dialog might be considered a gift from your own child, who seems to be asking in a subtle way for more affection. This may be an opportune time to see what he or she hopes for there. Sounds like your child may be craving more physical affection and parental attention and may be envious of the more cosy attention received by the neighbor child (maybe I'm reading this wrong). Eleven is pretty young.