Humor of the Day

[parnold]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a

gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking

her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ...

She said .... .... :

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[steve smoot]

Did you hear about the oldmaid's woodpecker...no, what happened...termite damage

[SmokeyBob]

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

(brace yourself)

(this is going to hurt)

(really bad)

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

[SmokeyBob]

Top Ten Winners of International Pun Contest

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest
level of language development. Here are the 10 winners in the International
Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,
"Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other
says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up
for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've
seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did
so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good ...) a super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

[SmokeyBob]

Three Camels

Noah was standing at the gangplank, checking off the pairs of animals when he saw three camels trying to get on board.

"Wait a minute!" he said. "Two each is the limit. One of you will have to stay behind."

"It won't be me," said the first camel. "I'm the camel whose back is broken by the last straw."

"I'm the one people swallow while straining at a gnat," said the second.

"And I am the one that shall pass through the eye of a needle sooner than a rich man shall enter heaven," said the third.

"Well, I guess you had better all come in," said Noah. "The world is going to need all of you."

[H@nk]

The other day, I was walking in Amsterdam, when a man was laying down in the water.
"Hilfe, hilfe", he shouted.
I told him, "You better learned to swim, instead of German."

[H@nk]

The other day, my wife asked me go shopping.

She told me to bring a case of Heineken and if there where eggs, to buy six of them.

Well, when I came home, the roof went completely of.

She shouted at me: "Why you bought 6 cases of Heineken? "

I told her: "There were eggs".

[SmokeyBob]

Being Free

The Fourth of July weekend was coming up and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

[SmokeyBob]

Lost Bird

A man received a phone call one day and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.

The caller said the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."

[SmokeyBob]

Hot Shoe

One day, a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing it had just come from the forge.

He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth. "It just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe!"

[SmokeyBob]

The Tooth Fairy

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!

[planovet]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!

I'm sorry. What was your question?

[planovet]

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized
that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the
best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act
a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and
give me some time off.

I came in to work early the other day and began
hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one
of my coworkers (she's blonde. - it'll be important later)
came in and asked me what I'm doing.

Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off.
I'm a light bulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I
was doing. I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out.

My coworker started following me and the Boss asked where
she was going. I can't work in the dark," she said.

[planovet]

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No
matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while
he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, "Dave, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be
the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering...

"Dave, you're a veterinarian."

[bledsoe3]

Here's a video my nephew made or was in:

https://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3 ... =tAQDhM_Oo