Am I overreacting???

[PKCSPT]

So my son who joined the army just over a year ago got married yesterday.
Several things wrong with this picture.
One they said nothing
Two she just graduated high school last month, she is too young. Would have waiting a year killed them?
Three they just started dating before he went to basic training so their whole relationship is based on a couple days home and skype.

He has been home for block leave, we went on vacation and she joined us. Wasn't to happy but he paid for their room so ok it is the 2000's. Been a week and now it is Wednesday. He tells us he will be home for dinner, subway and some Sanford (old saturday night thing we used to do before the army) Goes with his dad gets the Subway we laugh and have a good time watching Sanford. Nicci gets off work or whatever she was doing and they stop by 9:30 at night and announce we got married today. (told her parents after us so it was even later then) Oh and then he left for Fort Irwin this morning with out giving us a chance to talk it out a little more.

We feel like we have been lied to this whole time,,, marriage licenses take a week. I know no one died but to have just been so decieved is breaking our hearts. To say we are hurt and angry is an understatement. I just do not get it.

Are we overreacting?

[Mojave Bob]

Boy -- there has to be a lot more to this story... No, it is not overreacting to be hurt and upset. Delivering our kids safely into a permanent relationship is a big deal, and to be left out of that process would have to be very, very hard.

BUT, I encourage you to accept that it has happened, and move on. If this is going to work out for them, it is highly likely that they are going to need you to be very loving, accepting and encouraging. They have stacked the odds against themselves, and they will almost certainly need help. Don't let your own hurt put them at further risk.

Yes, I know the betrayal is real, and it will have to be dealt with at some point. But, wait until they are ready. Hopefully you will come to truly love and appreciate your new daughter-in-law, and your son will be a great husband for her.

[Oldragbaggers]

Boy -- there has to be a lot more to this story... No, it is not overreacting to be hurt and upset. Delivering our kids safely into a permanent relationship is a big deal, and to be left out of that process would have to be very, very hard.

BUT, I encourage you to accept that it has happened, and move on. If this is going to work out for them, it is highly likely that they are going to need you to be very loving, accepting and encouraging. They have stacked the odds against themselves, and they will almost certainly need help. Don't let your own hurt put them at further risk.

Yes, I know the betrayal is real, and it will have to be dealt with at some point. But, wait until they are ready. Hopefully you will come to truly love and appreciate your new daughter-in-law, and your son will be a great husband for her.

Very wise advice. I agree completely. To act on your feelings of hurt and betrayal at this time, while hard to resist, will just serve to alienate you from your son at a time when what you want most is to be closer (because you're already feeling alienated to start with.)

[Augie]

Are we overreacting?

Yes

You raised your son, Trust his judgment and be there when he F's up. (it will happen)



NO one betrayed anyone, What were you looking for? for him to talk to you so you could convince him that it was the wrong decision? How long will you be involved in every decision he makes. I know Im being harsh. All I see parents are that cant let go. Your children are important but they have their own lives and priorities. For you to try to set his priorities now that he is on his own is unfair. His actions, although it would have been nice to tell you, are fine in my book. YMMV

[SarahMcDermott]

Wow. That's rough. It sounds to me like your feelings have been hurt. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that. If your son wants to be seen as an adult, you have to treat him as such. Tell him how you feel. Find out why all the secrecy and the suddenness of getting married. It is possible to do that without coming off as accusing. Is the girl pregnant? Being in the military can mean many things. For my husband, it gave us the opportunity to get married and start our family with a good deal of protection. I second what a few others have said, be welcoming to the girl. Like it or not, your son chose her. You can continue to insist on having a rift in your relationship that will be felt by her and your grandchildren for the rest of their lives, or you can attempt to bridge the rift. Perhaps, as a good will gesture, you could suggest having a small family party at your home the next time he is home to celebrate the nuptials.

[Oldragbaggers]

Augie, while there is a lot of truth in what you say, I get the feeling that perhaps you are speaking from the "son's" point of view. Possibly you're not a parent yet??

It's true that the son has the right to his own life, and has the right to choose his own wife. If he's responsible enough to go and lay his life on the line for his country, he is certainly responsible enough to decide who he wishes to spend that life with. His decision should be respected, she is the woman he chose, and if it all works out (and God willing, it will) she will be the grandchildren's mother. A loving relationship with your daughter/son-in-law is a beautiful thing. (More people to love is never a bad thing, however they happen to come into your life.)

But.... from the perspective of a parent, and especially if you have always had a very close relationship with your child, to be excluded completely from one of the most important occasions of your child's life, however you slice it, is painful, and a little tenderness and understanding might be in order here.

[eamarquardt]

A friend of mine said (after his daughter eloped): "If you don't want to go through this kind of stuff, you shouldn't have kids".

Good, sage advice.

Cheers,

Gus

[Augie]

Possibly you're not a parent yet??

Nope I have no children of my own but a great relationship with my parents, because they allow, and require, me to stand by my own decisions. Looking at my friends, the ones who are well adjusted, successful, and happy are the ones who are able to make tough decisions on their own. Be thankful your son has matured to the point that he isn't relying on you for decisions any longer.

to be excluded completely from one of the most important occasions of your child's life, however you slice it, is painful, and a little tenderness and understanding might be in order here.

You really want your child to consult you for this? Do you not trust his judgment, or your own parenting? HE has grown up yes it is hard to take, just as hard as a mother bird that has to kick little ones out of the nest. Be thankful you do not have the other extreme.

Yes Im being harsh here, very harsh. Life is harsh, but it is glorious as well. Making 'life' decisions by your self is gratifying in an amazing way.

Let your son go, be an active part of his life, but let go of the reigns. You have raised a healthy, successful, happy son, CONGRATULATIONS. This is a time to be happy not upset. He is 18, legally an adult, protecting our country, Making life and death decisions. Literally. He chooses who to kill in the defense of our country. If I, and you, trust him to do that then I damn well think he is able to determine who he can marry.

So I just re read OP's last post. YOu dont know all the factors in your sons decision, you cant pretend to think you know better than him at this point. Saying "however they come into your life" shows you are bitter, Not a good was to start a relationship.

REMEMBER This is a time to be happy not upset.

And Yea again I know Im comming off as harsh, I think you need it.

[parnold]

While probably not the popular position, I am pretty much agreeing with Augie. If your son didn't share this decision with you it is because he knew what your response would be and wanted to avoid the conflict. My sons (26 and 23) have both made decisions I did not agree with, but I have always tried my best to support their decisions, and tried my hardest to let them know that I would respect their decisions, even if I didn't agree.

There is no magic pill for a successful marriage. My Aunt and Uncle were married in their mid teens and lived in bliss together into their late 80's when they forgot who each other was due to Alzheimer's.

Give your son, and his wife, all the support and love you can. You don't need to tell him how disappointed you are, he already knows the decision was going to be unpopular. If you want to prove to your son how deep your love is, have his wife over as often as she is willing, and accept her into your daily lives and family. He will love and respect you even more for that effort!

[S. Heisley]

The way I see it: It is what it is and it's too late to do much about it now. Being and/or staying upset about it isn't going to help anybody, especially you.

If the marriage was a mistake, so be it. As a parent, you can't 'fix' everything for your son. Everyone has to make their own mistakes in their life. It's part of growing and learning; and, while the learning and mistakes usually slow with age, none of that stops until you die. But, the marriage may not have been a mistake and everything may work out perfectly, with a 25th+ wedding anniversary in the years to come. ...Who are we to say?

Whatever the future brings, be there for your son when he needs you and don't burn any bridges. For all you know, your new daughter-in-law could already be carrying your next grandchild....It wouldn't be the first time that's happened. Accept what has already occurred and move on, starting with a pleasant but cautious 'get-to-know-you' friendship with the new in-laws.

Best Wishes to all of you

[Todah Tear]

I don't think you are over-reacting. Being a parent or not is NOT the issue IMHO, being in a significant relationship is (parent/child, family/family members, best friends, spouses) I'm not taking sides because there are 2 sides to every story. An adult can't be expected to invite others into the making of every personal decision, but it is a sign of respect to at least inform parents, and others with whom we have significant relationships, of major life-changing decisions before we carry them out. I know my close friends would be hurt if I were to get married and not even tell them beforehand; I wouldn't blame them either. I'll tell you something else too, there is great wisdom in discussing those decisions with those who you trust and who know you can.

What has happened has happened. When the emotions have died down, let your son know that you are hurt; don't criticize his wife. Embrace the new daughter-in-law because she will be the mother of your grandchildren.

My two cents...

Todah

[Forrest747]

This is a tough one. I have about 6 years till they boys can elope and about 9 or 10 years till the girls can have the opportunity to screw up their lives. Saw it in the army these young teen girls wanting to get out and live life not knowing really what that means get hitched than move to ft. nowhere and hubby is gone months at a time. Not a real improvement.
Hide and watch my dad says. Don’t get roped into the small stuff between them. Had a lot of guys older than me and listening to their experience. One daughter was going to get married and said if we need to move back in with you in my room its ok right. Dad said no, you are makinga choice to move out and win or fail your on your own you cant move in. I may bring over a sack of groceries but that is it. Bills rent money its all on you. She really than took a hard look at marrying the guys she was with and decied to wait. A couple years later they got married when more mature.
Not saying cant make it in young love but the odds are so long. Heck I have a hard enough time at old love. When Lisa and I married we announced over Sunday dinner and planned a 10 month engagement. My parents didn’t think it the right choice but it turned out to be a challenging and good one. a few regreats but no harm.

A friend of mine just a few years older than me his daughter is going to be a freshman at a college famous for I DO. I tease him that he could have a son in law any day now. And be a grandpa in a year or so. He throws a beer at me.
My parents got married when my mom was 19 and they stayed together till her passing last year (40 years) its possible but like I said long odds. Yet I also think things are so much harder on a marriage young or old.
Reading a lot of self help books after Lisa passed away tried to make sense of it all. I have found people get upset when the script in their head doesn’t go right. Some deal with the adlib better than others. Think about what did you want that day to be like and is that the reason your upset. Some elope and make it and some plan forever and don’t. (Darn stag party, and who took those pics)
Hide, watch and sometime provide a little water.

And if yor overreacting who is to say. I knew a mom who overreacted when she saw her son hold a girls hand at 12. went all off on him. blow the steam off and dont do anything that will harm relationships or family.

[S. Heisley]

True, you should tell your son how hurt you are; but, don't hang onto that forever. None of what has been done can be undone. You don't want to alienate your son and his new family by having a hissy fit or going on and on about it for weeks. Hopefully, this makes my meaning (above) clearer.

[thowethowe]

Over-reacting? Probably not. But as the others have said, its best to accept the situation and welcome your new daughter-in-law with open arms. I'm sure he and she have their reasons for eloping. Think of it this way - at least they DID get married which shows commitment on both their parts instead of just living together as so many people do today. They could have a multitude of reasons not just being afraid of parent reactions and negativity on both sides. Maybe they wanted to avoid the financial hardship of a wedding ceremony - even a very simple one can run thousands of dollars. I think this is a main reason why many young people today put off getting married - they see shows like "Say Yes to the Dress" and other expensive wedding shows and think that they can't afford to get married. And it sounds like if they would have told you ahead of time, you would have tried to talk them out -of it. Last year my 70 year old mother abruptly decided to get married to a man she'd only been seeing a month (and who is legally blind, has trouble hearing, and has mobility problems.) I was totally against it and tried to talk her out of it. It did no good. She did what she wanted anyway. It took a long time for our relationship to get back to somewhat normal. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when people are in love, they are going to do whatever it is they want to do, whether the rest of us like it or not.

[CliffinGA]

No kids here but alot of experience with this from my sister and my mom and then repeat sister and her daughter. Legally he's an adult although not acting like it, all you can really do is let this sour your relationship with your son and his new bride mainly your son. Or you can step back abd see what developes, if it is a mistake he will find out as soon as they start living together and he finds out how immature she is or she is pregnant and he was trying to do the right thing. Since he did this the way he did I'm thinking we'll be calling you grandma sooner than 9 months. What ever happens we'll be thinking of you!

Cliff